Embrace Your Experience

It is incredibly freeing and powerful to embrace who we are currently, today, in this moment. We don’t need to identify with labels or our pasts to a point where it limits our future however, awareness and acceptance of what you've done, what you've valued, what you've gone through, and how far you've come (and bringing those experiences along with us) can enrich our lives and our relationships.

For example - if you’ve dealt with social anxiety throughout your life (maybe due to fear of outside judgment) but have only recently realized or validated how much it has (or still is) effecting you, or you've noticed that it has been particularly prevalent recently, there is the option to try and hide or avoid that realization or, the option to own and accept it. The former route can often times exacerbate the issue by adding pressure (i.e. cognitive dissonance - you believe that it's affecting your life but are attempting to act as if it doesn't) while taking action towards acceptance can be transformative.

One example of what the latter route might look like is working on awareness to recognize when thoughts of judgment first arise and to then evaluate what evidence there is behind the thought. And while this may not change your thoughts or feelings, another bit of food for thought is to consider if the judgments of others (especially from a stranger) are actually worth more than our mental well-being. And if we were to get to a place of more self-compassion, would we be as bothered if someone did have a negative judgment towards us? After all, what might a rude or unkind action from another say about them, what they're going through, or what their internal dialogue may be? Another actionable example of acceptance to what is, this time in response to having done something or acted in a way that triggered thoughts of judgment (i.e. maybe made you feel embarrassed or self-conscious), might be to work on telling people that you struggle with anxiety and are working on it. It doesn't need to be a public service announcement or make you feel more uncomfortable, but it is a vulnerable and genuine way to communicate the real reason for any unintended behavior.

I struggle(d) with social anxiety, people pleasing, and a perfectionistic mindset for years. It can still sometimes make me come off as awkward, especially when going into an unexpected situation or one which I feel "unprepared" for. But when looking back, I often realize that it was never as bad as I made it out to be...and I can now notice that, for me, the worst part was my reaction to it - the self criticism at having handled something "awkwardly”, having said something "dumb", or not having responded to something in a way that I felt more accurately portrays how you are.

Unintended behavior at the hand of a part of our selves that we view or label as "bad", "unworthy", or "not really us" can happen at any time (important talks, first dates, arguments) and, regardless of the reason (conveying the wrong message from acting or speaking too quickly or out of habit; being short in response because you were holding your breath or your mind panicked and blanked out), it doesn't feel good. Remember cognitive dissonance? Our actions didn't line up with the story we had about our selves. That’s okay though, what’s truly valuable is to notice these things and hold compassion for ourselves...all of our self. That is awareness, and that is growth. After all, any singular action (for better or for worse, out of mindfulness or ignorance) is simply an event - while it may reflect on us, it does not determine who we are. It can be a valuable wake up call for change (so as to grow, to not to make the same mistake in the future) or it can be a painful moment of shame that we try to ignore (yet still carry). Consciously or unconsciously, for better or for worse, if we repeat an action (physical or mental) again and again, it will eventually become habitual, all the more likely to become part of how both we and those that observe us see ourselves.

If we've often behaved a certain way in the past (notice I didn't say we "were a certain way"), whether internally or externally, recognizing it and accepting it is the way forward, both towards growth and away from returning to it if it is not what we want to align with. If it is a negative way, it doesn’t mean that we’re a “bad” person. If positive, it doesn't necessarily make us a "good" person (these are quoted because they are labels, judgements). It likely means that your life experience (from genetics, to social, cultural, religious, political, and/or economic environments, to ads, media, and content you were both exposed to and consumed, to trauma, to your habits, friend groups, diet, sleep patterns, thoughts, and endless etc) uniquely conditioned you to believe and value certain things over others (even if they land you in a social, cultural, or ethical minority) and as a result, to be ignorant to the intricacies of how at least some of our actions impact ourself and others. This "blind spot" can be seen as a lack of empathy.

If we're able to recognize more of our own conditioning (even without immediately understanding where it came from) and its effects, as well as see our past for how it shaped us (for better and for worse), it becomes easier to cultivate empathy and understanding for ourselves. We can then use that awareness to start illuminating some of our blind spots, noticing previously hidden, ignored, or unrecognized emotions (quite possibly strong ones like regret, shame, or guilt) and consequences or impacts of our actions. These can stem from the cognitive dissonance between how we treated ourselves (mind or body) or others in the past compared to how we now view ourselves or others, having new insight and understanding.

With our new understanding, we can then work to give ourselves some grace and compassionately accept what we've done (whether consciously or unconsciously) and forgive ourselves (as we would a loved one) for lacking the wisdom that we have now. We can learn and grow from our experiences so that we can better shape our future and better align with who we want to be rather than who we “were” or what has happened to us. You will also likely find that as you accept more and more "pieces" and "parts" of yourself (your quirks, "flaws", guilts), it is easier to give patience and grace and act with compassion towards others, replacing past resentments and frustrations with forgiveness for them.

This is not often a quick or easy fix but it is the essence of "doing the work" and it can lead to a more fulfilling and joyful life. Once we've taken enough inventory of internal world, we can begin to evaluate what aspects were chosen and which were forced upon us, furthering our control over our future.